Yes, I got rejected again, and it is a simple, not even an internship, leadership program. It is a program I set my foot in to let PwC know more about me. They kick me out. They reject me, They don't want me. I hate them!!!
My hear is full of despair when I found it out, and then I wrote to Zeeshan, my mentor about it. I mentioned about my disadvantage of looking for a job. He said he will call back when his parents leave Columbia. When is it going to be? What is he going to tell me? I don't know,I am scared to death, to hear anything negative comments about myself, although i know all of them. What can I do? Does that mean the door to PwC is closed? WTF? I really want to curse at them!
Well, calm down, calm down...there is somoene want me at the end, eventually. Don't worry!! It is ok for not get into the big four. My goal is to find a job, I don't care about the reputation or anything like that. I know my ability. I only want a job!!! Maybe Big4 is not for me. It is doomed that I can't go anywhere.sigh....
It is alright. I will definitely find a job with my master degree at the end. I don't care,I don't worry. All I need to right now is to get good grades, and study hard for my GMAT. Then I can apply for grad school. That is my goal, I can do it!!! jia you!!! Maggie can do it!!!
PS. it would be so embarrasing if Bess and other junior got accepted and I don't. Oh, well, maybe it is like that already. I can't do anything. Bess definitely got it.I think,not sure about others.Sigh...
Thankgoodness, that I didn't tell Stephen about the interview. It is so much better to tell others after you accomplish something. No disappointment to them and most important to us.
Sigh..Janie got into the leadership program, that is why she got the internship. Sigh...
Where are you when I need you?
Indeed, I worry about you. What will you do to your back?
don't torture yourself!
Maybe you are sleeping now...maybe because of the exhausted exercise??
Tell me, i need to know how you are doing!!!
I wanted to record the most fabulous moment today. Everything began with my mom's call, which reminds me Stephen's defects. Finally I couldn't stand it, i have to tell S every thought in my mind, espcially after last night's talk. So I wrote an email to him.
Hi,
I have to let you know what hold me back from liking you. I don't want to hurt your feeling, so I don't tell you. But I guess it is time to say it out, or I should tell you earlier. I care the physical appearance more than any other factor. You are tall for most Fuzhouese girls, but not tall enough for me. (I guess that is my problem). You are skinny and a little hunchbacked. If one day, when we walk in the street together, people will think I am with you only because of money, which is not true. I don't care if you have money. I can work to support myself and my family. The physical appearnce is not easy to change at your age, and that really bothers me. The reason that I still talk to you is I like your personality, your tolerance and caring. All other factors like long-distance and marriage time are flexible. I can deal with them. That is why my mind changes at every second and why I can't answer your question.
About the picture, what you said to me last night made me really sad. The moment of pause was the time I didn't want to talk to you. There was no girl or anyone coming to see me. My excuse was lame.
I am sorry if I hurt your feeling.
After five minutes, at that time he got out of work already, he called me. I didn't pick up. I feel it was embarrassing to talk to him. I don't know what to say. So I left the phone ringing until the end. AFter ten minutes, he texted me "There is only one thing can't change is being tall.All other factor like little hunchback and skinny can be changed easily."
I replied him back, "I know skinniness can be changed easily but hunchback can't."
Want a bet?
Bet again, :S
You say can't change. what if I change? Then you have no reason for anything!!!
ok, i will take the bet! lol. i do tho. I am pretty picky sometimes.
What do you want if you change to be normal?
ok, the best is you. Still want a bet?
Am I that valuable to you?
Don't you think so according to what we speak last night?
You never answer my question directly! always let me figure out that answer
Like you don't say out love or family. It is interesting that you spell them out to me. does that say something about your personality?
Yes, you are valuable to me.
Ok, i sitll want the bet
ok but you have to get me time
lol, ok. how long does that take? and do you like gambling?
I odn't like gambling. 3 months I hope that is enough. This is different.
ok, no matter how long it takes, i will wait. Why do you say 3 months is it because is said i will give you answer after 3 months last night?
Yes, because that is what I try to accomplish. At least I willtry my very best to get normal during these time.
What if you don't?
What would you like me to do?
don't know it yet, I keep the bet when i know what i want.
ok
but one of the choices for bet is me, too. U might lose me?
I definitely not lose you. But if my hardwork don't pay that mean I suck.
lol how do you change it? what are you gonna do?
I will torture myself. I kidding back to myself few year ago that didin't really try. I am going to exercise for it.
I know you were kidding. That did made me feel bad. You mean go to gym to workout?
That is the best to gain both side of the world.
lol. You might see some hot girls there in the gym. lol
I only wish to see you.
Sorry I am not in greensboro But I can send you more picture of me. remember you can't come to see me until the car is fixed.
Ok, i will wait for the car to get fixed before i see you.
You always say yes to my request. 
your request cares for my safety as well. No reason to say anything else.
-------------------------------------
That is the end. He didn't call me or anything.
The conversation is awesome. I couldn't stop laughing. He is a little aggressive when talking about me as a target hewants. i feel scared tho. Stephen, Stephen...You know no matter what the result is, I don't lose much. Even though your hunchback doesn't change much, I might still accept you, just for the sake of your deep fondness of me. That is more important than anything else. I learn some from last generation. Physical appearance is not important when it comes to personality in long term. Phycial appearance will change, but your love to me will not,hopefully. Please understand me, appreciate my honest. I wan't trying to get you upset.
Thanks for your try and sweet words. I am valuable to you and you don't want to lose me...
At this moment, I want to give him up.
In the past three days, Sat, Sun, and Mon, I didn't talk to Stephen.
I thought I could not survive since I get so used to the night chatting with him.
Force myself stopping expecting his call and focusing on today's exam preparation
was a painful process. Mostly because of the brain torture, forcing my brain to memeorize materials for exams.
With study, the time seemed to move pretty fast. I didn't get very upset for not talking to someone. I even turned off my phone to avoid all kinds of distraction. More exactly, I am telling myself there is no way I can talk to Stephen before getting through the exams.
Now today is Tuesday night, I am waiting for him to call. I told him to call me as early as possible. Now is it 8:35. I really can't focus on my study without talking to him today. I have to solve this issue first, no matter what the result is. I can't stand it. Ugh...
This is another aspect I hate this relationship, not being able to see him everyday and not knowing what he is doing every moment. I want to give up. I hate this disanced relationship. So annoyed and upset....
I am studying in the library for a long day today. Feel so bored.
Occasionally I think of Stephen and my future career.
Then I think of a song ....don't remember the name tho.
说说说，说你爱我。。。
我我我，我说不出口。。。
Even myself, I don't know why I was forcing Stephen to say he likes me the other night. There is no clear reason. Maybe just because I wanna hear it from him. I totally have no clues.
I knew that even if he said it, I wouldn't give him any picture of me. So what is the point of saying it to me?
I lack of impulsity. The long distance between us allows me to think rationally and calmly about his attraction and dfects to me. Not only the distance between us, the more important factor is frequency of coming to see me. If he comes to see pretty often, then the effect of long-distance factor would be alleviated a little. I will become very emotional. Like last time, my silly sadness for him. It won't happen any more, i swear. If not often, I lost the strong feeling, meanwhile i am longing to hear his voice, making me calm and happy. When are we going to meet again? I don't want this kind of relationship!!!!
I am alwasy tyring to figure out why he like me. No doubt that he is attracted by my physical appearnce, my height and maybe my normal weight, not too fat or not too skinny. Some personalities factors?? I am not quite sure. I will ask him one day when the relationship is settled down.
The reason I couldn't stop talking to him is originally because of his backgroun, job and stable financial status. Seriously, I don't care how much money he has. I only care if he is sucessful or has the ability to succeed one day. The rest is determined or suggested by my mom. His personality is pretty traditional, strong privacy sense, dont' tell others much about his business. I don't know too much about him at some aspects. Sigh...the overall evaulation is pretty good.
But still, I care about his physical appearance. So I decide to continue my torturement to him. I am going to give him chances, but not get too closer to him...maybe three more months?? I don't know...it depends on his performance. I won't give him any pic of me until he says he likes me and I accept him.
This story makes me think of Kevin's fondness of me and Leo's fondess of Crystal after the earthquake in China.
I want to tell Stpephen about those two stories one day, after he says what I want to hear. ...
We will see...how he acts on DC trip.
How does it feel like when you like someone?
How long should you date before you admit that someone is your significant of other?
Should I give him a hard time because of his physcial appearance even though I like him back a little?
I am so confused now.
I want to accept him and hold his hand walking in the street
Meanwhile I think it is too early and want to torture him for a little bit longer to let him know how difficult it is to get me.
So maybe half year is enough??
I have to work harder to find an internship during the summer?
Accounting firms' rejections don't mean that my summer is dying. I have to go out to find some internship that is related to accounting. Sigh...
I can't be at home and wait for Stephen to see me....the life is too passive.
Anyway, getta be proactive and be the master of accounting world.
I talked to Stephen for two hours last night. I was forcing him to say the three words, I like you. I want your picture because I like you. I gave him many chances to speak it out, he didn't take any. After handing off phone, I was disappointed, and thought of refusing to take his call today. Sigh...all in my mind today is how disappointed I am and how I should reject him. Then later on, he called me, I told him i was at the library. Aftern a while, he wrote me an mail. I was really surprised to see his email when I was ready to go home. here is the email from him.
---------------------------
Hi,
I think this guy must be very smart, caring, good temper, athlete, patience and unselfish. I don't think I can fit very good on all of those categories. Especially being athlete
Don't you think two car accidents doesn't even stop me from going see you and being with you. Doesn't that tell you something.
The discussion we had last night. I just want to tell that in front of you instead over the phone. (Question is who am I to you) .
Can I have the picture of you now?
-------------------------------
When I read the second paragraph, I was at the edge of cry. My whole body was a little shaking and began to warm up...I feel extremely hot all of a sudden. Very uncomfortable at that time. Then i became very serious. I wasn't happy, for real. I was touched, but not happy. I don't know how to face him, I don't knwo what to talk to him. I called him right away when I got out of library, He was driving on the way home, I don't know where he went, and has no intention of knowing it. We talked for a while...finally we had nothing to talk, so i told him i gotta go to do something, and said goodnight to him...
Such a caring person...I know I have no reason to reject him...
I know in my heart, I was happy that there is someone caring me so much, and nobody is perfect...but still i can't accept him right away....
Anyway, I don't want to reply his email. I am going to wait until he brings the email. He didn't talk about it tonight. We will see what will happen next....
我想和你一起去DC去看樱花。。。然后晚上看烟花。。
你这不浪漫的人，叫你说那几个字都说不出来。。。我晕死
S asks me for picture every time he calls.
I refuse to give him my whole body, normal picture.
I did send him two pictures of me last night. And they are super cute.
one Mona Lisa's smiling and Wonderwoman...xixixi...
Well, the true reason that I don't want to give to him is I don't want him to look at my pic whenever he has time.
Which is exactly what my mom did at home.
Everytime she came into my room during the break, she had to get the picture out of the plastic bag
and looked at it, touched it,and told me how good-looking S is, and how pity it would be if I reject him.
That is embarrassing and weird.
I don't want him to do similar thing
Well,I figure out that the reason he wanted me to go to his house is because his mom wants to meet me. There is no other reason since his house is so small and messy compared to my neat and bright house. I love my house, my family.
