mybluesky9 的个人博客

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其实我心里很难过。。。我不知道是不是自己想太多了，而且都是往坏方向想，所以把你的形象想得很糟糕，而且你给的解释不令人信服，所以在我脑海里想的都是不结婚，分手，或是怎么解决我们之间的关系。我从来都没有想到第一段感情是这么糊里糊涂的陷下去了，我没有看清楚人就付出我最珍贵的东西。现在我很后悔。怪自己心太软，立场没有坚定。
我不明白为什么这次你不能过来，哪怕是一天也好。我在想尽脑袋替你想原因，可是结果就是你小气，怕过来花钱，所以靠着你妹妹的在的原因，呆在家里。我也明白。。。
心里有种意识，就是分手。。。真的不是在这里玩了。。。

唉 。。。

突然间想回来，看看这里。我想这个地方，曾经的回忆。。。

He remembers everything important, such as the date I say yes to his question, the date we met.
Those little things made me happy. lol.

I don't realize we haven't met for a month already since the DC trip on April 2. Wow...it is really a long time, a month and long distance relationship?? I can't believe I am so tough...hahah.

Monday is my last final, and stephen is coming over the weekend, so i better study hard!
Sigh

get sick during these days, cough all the time like an old lady. sigh

He finally says it!! I love you!! hahah...
But when he said he out of his mouth, I couldn't believe it!! Seriously, you fall in love with me?? Am I that good?? worthy to be loved by someone?? Maybe I am, I am a very nice lady. Boys should cherish me!!!

I don't remember what we talked about last night. Maybe something about the blog???
No, it was about my internship in summer and summer plan....
It made me happy when he said 不要越跑越远啊，when i told him the location of the intern is two hours away from Cola, which is in Greenville...I can't remember every detail of our conversation...
他跟我说，心很经常疼，因为我很经常给他出问题，写邮件给他说放弃，说他的问题，搞他很郁闷
But I know he was sad...so i tried to please, so i asked what can I do to please him?
He said he wanted to forward 10 days, and wanted to get the answer now
I asked, what is your question?
He said, Can you be my gf?
Ok....followed by silence
I said, hello....
Then he said, for real?
No, I was just kidding
then pause again
Oh, no, i was not kidding. hahah
haha, I can sleep very very very well tonight.
我完全能感受他的喜悦。声音的音量提高了，人有精神了。。。
可是，我当时很平静，没有太多的急速心跳或是紧张，一切就像在掌握中一样冷静
。。。
那你现在高兴了吧？
嗯，我今晚很高兴很高兴。。。
。。。
他完全就像个小孩，好天真，好开心。。。
。。。
我还是不明白为什么他会这么喜欢我，为什么这么喜欢让我当他的女朋友
他说，因为I really love you...
OMG did he actually just say that? I can't believe it. I thought he only likes me, but not love. love is higher level than like...
he didn't say much to my comments.
anyway...
he says it, to me!! hahah

The reason I said it early than planned is my feeling toward him is not going to change much after ten days, so why can i not say it now? I do like him. 就像Kevin说的，有爱，有喜欢，有依赖交杂在一起。。。每次想到离开他就会难过。。。而且最近好想好想他啊。所以就向感觉投降了。。。希望是正确的选择。。。

stephen在我面前，心真的好好啊。很容易被人打击。所以我不想伤害他。我说他有个womanly heart...hahah
心真的好轻啊 。。。
也许是初恋吧，所以投入的比较多。。。感觉也比较强烈。我就郁闷了，我的怎么不会那么小鹿乱撞了？反而很冷静。他讲话的同时，我一直强调，我也喜欢她，我的新应该有更多的波澜的，不应该像这么平静。。。

更巧合的是，我收到了他的花，小熊，巧克力，和一些话。
他说，Wish you the best on your final, everything will go according to your wishes. Love you, Ming Zhen Ni.
--------------------------------------------------

花很美，可惜不是红玫瑰。。。
小熊很可爱。。。
嘻嘻，很幸福啊。

Here is the major content I posted in my new blog, which i decide to close down last night. I don't want to know it any more. S reads it twice a day, that freaks me out. So I close it, he won't know about me too much. I am tired of this relationship. I am tired. I miss him terribly today. when I took a nap today, I woke up countless times and thought it was the next morning. Then I was looking for my cell phone, which was at the desk, so i looked at my watch, it was only 2 or 3 sth. So I went back to sleep again until 3:45. The problem is when I woke up, I thought of S. I want to talk to him, so i wait wait wait until he gets off work.
Around 6 he called me. i was so happy to answer it. But the call didn't go well. I had nothing much to say. When he mentioned the car was in his hometown, instead of my hometown, I totally lost my mind, lost control of my tears. I don't know why I cried, seriously, for what reason. I don't know. It is right choice to send the car back to his hometown to be fixed anyway. But the problem is he said he told me already, but I don't think so. For wahtever the reason is, this action hurts my heart. I don't know I am fragile in emotion. I get cried so easily. Sigh....I really want to give this relationship up. It is so painful to wait forever to see him, and take care of my study at the same time. It is enough. Without him, with femal friends, I am here alone again. And I don't want to admit that. It is painful to say it!!! I don't want to lose anything. I don't want to control over him...he is a human being, he should have thoughts....well..anyway...we can see how far we can go.

Here is the articles I copies from another new blog.

April 19

来简单说说下the golf tournament的一些情况
阳光明媚，太阳挂当空，还好不是很烈
很少长时间在太阳底下活动的我，晒了两个小时就开始有晕晕的眼花
咬着牙，打完了全程
谢天谢地。。。没有pass out
由于是初学者，毫无疑问的拉了我这个组的后腿
但my teammates还是说我打得不错啊，按照初学者的水平来说。哈哈！
我是相当怀疑他们说的话啊，应该是在鼓励我继续打好golf 吧。呵呵
打这个好累啊，还是多做些yoga好！

April 17

我那可怜的爱情。。。
需要保护吗?
随着时间的推移，
它会一点一点地被消耗光吗？
它经得起距离，时间的磨练吗？
哦，我那可怜的爱情。。。

April 15

disappointment

What make me disappointed is something doesn't happen the way I expect it to be.
like in a relationship
like looking for a job
like taking an exam
like trying out a new restaurant
like ...

Btw, I have golf tournament tomorrow. I am so excited about it. It is a good time to enjoy the sunshine and talk to professionals at the beautiful lake place!!!
Man, I love the scene!!!!
sssssssssssssssssssssso pretty!!!!!!!!!!

The second most quiet lunch

So guess what, this is the National Student Employee week.
My supervisor set up a lunch for us.
During the first twenty minutes, only June and me were talking in Chinese and English
The rest of the group were staring at us, listening to the language they don't understand. lol
Finally, the supervisor began to talk. She wanted us to talk about how much we know about each other. Errr....I only know June pretty well...that is it!
Anyway, I wish I didn't go to that meeting. The food was not fresh, and everything else was so fake.

April 14

Really hope that today can be moving faster!!! (wrote when I was at work)

At 7:30
I am really tired. Maybe my body is not, but my eyes hurt, and barely could open during the BAP meeting. I just hope the family meeting tonight comes sooner, so I can finish whatever I need to do, and then go to bed for a new day tomorrow.
Sadly, I have to go to volunteer again to compete against the other guy in the organization. I know I know I know the BAP is giving TWO freaking awards, but the VP is playing tricks with both of us, telling the competitor that I have more hours than him--so he is working his ass off to beat me, and telling me that there is ONLY one award available. Now feeling insecure on my award, I have to push myself to work harder. Ugh...I hate you, VP. I hate you, VP!!!! Grrrrrrrr......

Ah, something exciting is the golf tournament on Friday! That night I have to count tickets for Relay for Life at 10 pm and 7 am the next day.
On Saturday, I have to work at desk from 9 to 1. Then go home to continuing to work more. Hmmmmm....don't even mention to go through everything on these days, it is already hard to image all of them. Staying up late and getting up late are not good combination. My summer holiday, please come sooner to rescue me. I am exhausted.

Up to this day, there are only nine school days left and follow by a week of exams. Then I am free for summer!!! Yay!!! Yay!!!! Due to my job, I can't leave once I finish my exams. I have to stay here until the last minute. (and have to work 13 hours during final week. 13 hours, 13 hours, 13 hours, not fun!!!!!!) .....

God, just let me daydream... ...

 墨守成规

今天某个人的行为让我想到了这个成语，墨守成规。

形容思想因循守旧,只知道按照老规矩办事,而不求改进。

我的评语是干不了大事！

过于遵从别人讲的话，按规则办事并不是件好事
不懂得如何创新，think outside of box, 对一个公司来说不是个好员工
不懂得如何给人带来新鲜感，带来惊喜，只会一味得服从命令，生活好无趣
我不喜欢这种人，没有主见，对自己想做的事情意志力不够坚定

tiredness

不知道今天为什么好累好累
上完课，搞完VITA的事情后，精神上就完全崩溃了，身体上也完全崩溃了！！！
放纵自己，吃了个大顿
回来就睡个觉
结果，一睡就睡过头，错过了annie大姐的会议
醒来时收到annie发出来的minute 才知道，再次感觉到惭愧，
皮又厚了一层。
晕死了。。。我什么时候可以出茧成蝶，再这么继续厚下去的话？？？
好累好累，好想继续回去睡觉，躲在梦里找个平静，没有烦恼的地方
最近太挫败了，唉！

剥削。。。

最近对工作方面深有体会
对于老板来说，犯点错误是理所当然。（有谁会去当着员工批评自己？）但员工犯错，就得记过，以免下次再犯。
不管做的多好，在老板眼里都是员工的职责，是员工本来就该做好的事情。一旦犯了错，所有的努力都不算什么，他们只会毫无留情的批评你的过错，是你不负责。。。

APRIL

Came back from DC trip. It was a great trip.

Always nice to see old friends.

But I find it difficult to go back to school mode. Too much study and work left behind.

Getta study study study and work work work!!

Only 15 days of school left for this semester!!! Then finals!!!

Exam, quiz, then 5 finals....

2 more weeks of VITA (24 hours) and 10 SSI due on April 19th

Golf practice and tournament!

Ugh...I can do all of them!!!

Aza Aza fighting fighting!!!

不安定的心

从来都没有想过会在哪个地方安定下来，我只想一直流浪一直流浪。。。
随着不安分的心，想走到哪，就走到哪
偶然间，发现I become so independent that I feel I don't need anyone to support me.
也许有天，回头看脚印的时候，才会自己 do need one person to accompany
Just a matter of time.

为什么在生活碰到的事物总是跟理想中的有段距离？
那是学会去接受还是该跟随自己的理想？
现实就是那么残酷，总是得不到自己想要的东西

Eating alone

I think of what a female protagonist said in a Korean drama that I watched long long time ago. She said she hated to eat alone, which is exactly how I feel recently.

So I dont know what I am thinking and how I really feel about S. In addition, my mom doesn't like him that much because of his thinness, teeth problem. etc, etc, etc....After the DC trip, I guess the whole school knows i have a bf. But I don't really care about what they said. I didn't do anything bad, and they dont' know what happened between me and Stephen. So let them say whatever they want. I don't care.
Stephen has been very slow in relationship. All he did to me is to call me and to come to see me couple times. That is all. Pay for all meals..what else? Lots driving to go through. I know he cares about me. But that is not enough. Iam not a materialisitc girl. It is not like you have to buy something to please me. I just want him to know more about me. I gave him my blog address, and i know he barely visits there.I provide the resources, i open that blog for him, if you dont' visit, or use, then i lost the purpose of doing it. I quit. I wanna quit the relationship, maybe this way could make him feel better. it is my problem, not your problem, but the result is same that you are going to lose me. Do I lose anything, too? Maybe so. I don't like him that much anyway, so it is easier for me to get out of the relationship with less pain. Gladly, I didn't cry this time when I think of leaving him. Yay, Maggie is getting tougher and tougher. I really wanna see how much he likes me. I wanna see the actions. So I sent him to the following email. ya, email again. Something is so embarrassing to speak to him over phone. I wanna see how he replies to me.

--------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, something happened at home. My family situation reminds me that I am not ready for marriage. I gotta take care of my job first,then my family. I don't expect to climb up the ladder by using Stephen.

I meant to send this email to you earlier when I came back from golf. But I went to take a nap and did something for a school event, so it got postponed until now. Ok, everything has nothing to do with you. It is all my problems. All my problem, so you don't have to worry about yourself. OK?
 
I want to withdraw from the relationship. Couple reasons. One is the physical distance between us. I said I can handle it, but it is not true any more. I can't. I find it so difficult. It is always easier to say than doing it. I tried, I really tried. The fact that you are so far away makes me feel that it is same with or without you. The only difference is I talk more on phone now. Oh, and couple different weekends. Thanks for that.
Another is the spiritual distance. (I don't know what the right word is, hopefully you know what I am talking about when you are done reading this). I feel pressure if I decide to be with you. Tremendous pressure on me. Because your generation in your family have jobs, and I am still at school. What if I can't find a job? I don't want to put myself into that kinda situation to let myself suffer. I know I am selfish.
 
What I asked you to do about your back is good for you. When you look for the next girl, she probably would have similar thought. I am sorry to waste your time of almost four months.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Truly, he is a caring person, but I don't think he has done enough to make me feel it is totally worthy to like him back or love him, or to accept his problem. Whatever my excuses are, I hope he can persisit it or end it asap. I don't want to drag on and on...without seeing the future.
So let me wait to hear what he says.
Soemtimes, I feel he is so mysteirous. He knows everything about me, my schedule. But he doesn't know or can't tell how my feeling is. Because I don't tell him??? No.Maybe I dont tell him directly, but my words had implied him about my feeling. If he reads my blog, he would know more about my feeling. I am trying to give you opportunities. If you don't take it, then i have nothing to say. all disappointement anyway.
Like I say to Annie, he has seen many girls in the past year, but he is the first one i saw and second one I talked on phone. Will he think I am not picky? or I lie? No body wants me? In conclusion, i am just being too nice to reject him. Last night, the conversation wasnt enjoyable. We had nothing to say, and almost involved into small argument.

Here is my decision, if he doesn't call me before I arrive home today, then the relationship is more likely going to end. I don't want to wait until tonight and listen to him and my mom at the same time. I getta study at night.
That is all I can say. He knows what I am doing at every miniute. ...If he cares about me a lot, he should call me as soon as he receives my mail.

Sigh...

I like Stephen...The feeling is getting more and more everyday. We chat over phone every day. that makes me worried about having a brain tumor one day since we talk so much on phone.
I want to hold his hands again. They are warm and make me feel calm, safe, and happy. ：）
I miss his hug, too. 躺在他怀里的感觉好好啊。嘻嘻。

Annie said she won't start a relationship in long-distance. I know...I hate long-distance. 我跟他说了远水救不了近火。有时候想跟她出去吃饭都不行。都得等到他来的时候才行。

也终于明白“因为想你才寂寞”的感受。。。。
哎。。。
生活悲惨啊！

Rejection, Rejection, Rejection again and again from Deloitte first, to PwC, and now to Johnson Lambert.
I had enough rejections...When is my turn to receive an acceptance??? I hate recruiting. I hate being rejected.
Beside this, class isn't going well, either. Grades are not decent as what I wanted. 555555
I want a 4.0 GPA!!! 55555....
Sigh....

Plus missing S, my life is not going so well so far.
I went to Walmart today to buy a lot of junk food. Eating makes me feel good. I love food....
I have to learn how to slow down the relationship, I have to learn how to not think of S so often, maybe learn how to forget about him. I have to focus on my study, my GMAT, my career!!! Nothing else is important. love is after career! Learn how to not expect anything from him. His call, his gift, his holding hand, his hug...That is not for me....Sigh...
jia you!! Maggie can do it!!!
Have to study hard!!! OK??!!!
Being successful means to accept a lot of rejection first. It is ok to fail, it is ok to be rejected. I won't give up. Like Zeeshan said I have to be vital and optimistic. I have to fight back, and prove that i am a potential good EE!!!! Ahhhh...so hard!!! Anyway, my goal so far is to do well on finals. That is it. No S, no leadership program. only final and GMAT.
En...jia you!!! Maggie is doing well so far. jia you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

越来越觉得自己变笨了。变得很笨很笨。再也没有能力去得到自己想要的东西。
这次的tax exam我又拿了个86. 正常来说，应该分数更高的，因为考卷比上一个简单的多。可是还是拿了个86.
肯定是true or false问题错了很多。哎。。。。
怎么办？
心里很挫败
很沮丧
stephen昨天没有电话来让我很担心。他接了annie's call but didn't call me.
他怎么了？
如果不在乎的话，为什么这么担心？
我知道对他还是有感情的，只是不深。
搞得我整天都很郁闷，愁眉苦脸的。
妈的，不争气的我已经因为他哭了三次了。。。
该死的。。。
今天跟明天要努力奋战心理学的paper...
加油！加油！！！